it amazes me how my mind can control mymind and how my mind can get speeding away without me. but that i can go and get it back if i concentrate.
 

i dont like to be angry. i dont like to get sad. but it happens. i am working on reigning it in. stopping it, in the middle. not finishing, not exploding and having it end that way.
i can be happy with myself. i can develop and grow and train and love. i can cook.
i feel that i know how to take care of myself and understand my inner self. i just have to develop it and pay attention.
i need plans and listing and listening. i need comfort.
i dont like other people being the in charge ones. i am grown up more than i am here. it suffocates me and stiffles me by living in my childhood. it throws me back to my default, to natural. i need to be satisfied and happy and to use my time wisely

a year or so ago i wrote: "as we walked along the beach i collected pure white sea shells and i made them all promise me that if i dont die by drowning when im naked skinny dipping then they have to put my body on a raft in a white dress and send it out to sea and light me on fire. but if i do die that way- cant you just see how beautiful it would be? a pure naked body washed ashore. glowing and soft. on the sand. i think it would be such a work of art. the most perfect death, so innocent and natural. one with the ocean."

I am not looking to find a pot of gold
I will paint you a picture that's inside my head
First I must carve out a place
Picture yourself carving out a place in a room
Now look up there's the diamond ceiling
Look up now, this is what it sounds like

I am not looking to find a pot of gold
The picture in my head is my reward
Go

See how easy to dream a scheme of sounds in your head
We must dream on. We must dream on
You see the pieces fall away from the outer shell
We must dream on. We must dream on

So you see, I am not looking to find a pot of gold
The picture in my head is my reward
The picture in my head is my reward
Go


-Marnie Stern Patterns Of A Diamond Ceiling